Turn the Need for Control into a Quest for Curiosity - a series on overthinking .02
6 remedies for women who chronically overthink and if i can do it, you can too.
control is a fantasy. a fantasy sold over time, repackaged, and marketed in all sorts of forms. it’s my personal belief that this is to have the consumer believe in their core that if they just can do, be, create, see, or know, particular elements of life, then everything will turn out the way they hope. it took me a while to accept, that it i too had bought into the fantasy of thinking i had control over things that were in fact not meant for me to control. when i began to loosen my grip on predictability, what came was surprising.
the radical chase for control is just a fear of experiencing the unexpected. we love to be prepared almost to a fault. so prepared, that we miss opportunities in the messy middle where we actually meet ourselves; raw and open. i can’t tell you if i’ve reach some sort of apathy or if i’m just at peace with unpredictability. truth is, the less i have to worry, the happier i am and the more our family thrives. maybe it’s true what they say about wrapping up your 30s and reaching a whole new decade, that you start to surrender more to what life brings. living in the moment is a new thing for me. as much as i would love to describe myself as a free bird, a little flower child in a grown-up body, and slightly hippie, there are large strokes of control seeking patterns on my canvas.
because i work within a clinical education space, my mind works well looking at data points and predictability, or we sometimes say “within normal limits.”, to describe labs or ranges of time that are said to be normal. let me give you an example. i teach childbirth education classes. as i begin with an ice breaker question, i ask, “what do you know about the process of birth?'“. more often than not, they respond with what they know to be true like, it’s painful and unpredictable. most of them are dreading the unpredictability of it.
why can’t we let some processes of life unravel with curiosity?
we must be prepared.
we must know what to expect.
we must plan.
all valid. but none of the inhibit nature to take it’s course. what i think pregnancy and childbirth really provides us women at the core, are the lessons of the heart and mind that will refine our resilience in parenthood, which is largely unpredictable.
we can never go wrong if we stay curious.
we don’t know what personalities will develop within our children. what emotions or preferences will differ from ours often meets us with surprise because after all, they are our sweet little offspring. no matter how true this may be, they are their own individuals that we must stay asking questions, curiously seeking out their developing character.
i gently weave through the rest of class, that unpredictability on a day-to-day basis is the only thing that you can predict when becoming parents. the idea that much of anything will turn out the way we plan is passed down from generation to generation. if you plan accordingly, things will turn out “well”. what is “well”? what if we just didn’t label the outcomes as good, bad, ideal, or not ideal, and just sat with the outcomes and gained curiosity. asking questions like, “ok. i’ve arrived here. what now? what’s there to learn? what is this teaching me?”
my new goal in life is to exist in a chronic state of curiosity.
there are events or encounters in life that i believe God allows to occur for us as a reminder of how far humility and surrender can carry us into contentment and peace. when He does, it’s always a teaching moment. after all, I believe curiosity to be the remedy for overthinking.
how i attempt to convert the desire for control into a desire for curiosity
this may or may not change your life. these are 5 ways that you may want to try and gradually integrate to shift your need for control (the root of overthinking) into curiosity.
ask questions more than you make assumptions. in fact, just never make assumptions.
create an environment of freedom allowing yourself to sit back and watch what is happening almost like a movie. observe the twist and turns of the plot and allow the space for them to occur. twists and turns aren’t inherently good or bad, they just are.
be transparent and honest with yourself.
decide whether or not this “thing” whatever it is you’re facing is in need of immediate change or if it’s better left alone for now.
accept that you can make changes to either help or hinder. asking “will whatever change i make in this moment, help or hinder?”. if you are unable to answer this question, it’s best to refer back to #4.
accept that the answer to your prayers might be no or not right now.
honestly, #3 has been the hardest part for me. recognizing my need for control has hindered my past relationships, even at times with my kids. reconciling and dropping the need to control them and has caused a huge positive shift in our relationship. i don’t want them to fear my reaction. i don’t want them to adopt overthinking so i need to choose to model surrender.
this, i fear is the most difficult challenge in life is letting go little by little and seeking curiosity over control. it’s calculated, taking precision and patience.
i learned recently that salmon are born in rivers and streams. they return to that same river or stream to give birth to the next generation. in order to return, they must swim upstream. against the current. sometimes, they swim for hundreds to thousands of miles this way. do you think for a second that they consider this task difficult? no, it just is. do you think that they try to find a way around to make it easier? no, because their need is biologically driven, their purpose is clear. for us, seeking curiosity instead of seeking control can feel like swimming upstream. it’s uncomfortable, but we know when we get there, clarity awaits.
w/ love,
Gi
