Motherhood is Not Hard Work. It’s Heart Work.

and heart work is hard work. sharing some gems of wisdom I wish were passed down to me.

It’s 8am and you’ve lived 9 lives.

You’ve just remembered both our kids have different activities scheduled today and you haven’t eaten yet. Your coffee infused with collagen is cold and unfinished despite the 6 times it's been reheated. You look over and 3 baskets of laundry stand in the corner plotting against your nervous system. Your 7 year old is moody already for an unknown reason and the 2 year old wants up because his brother told him not to touch his Sonic magicrab whatever that is, so you make breakfast like a one armed wonder woman only to sit down and have no appetite because your body is in fight or flight thinking about how the hell you’re going to go on.

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I just gave you a glimpse of a normal morning in my life before I recognized it. My exhaustion, stress, energy depletion, and lack of motivation wasn’t because I needed to add more supplements to my routine to feel better. It wasn’t until I was on another hopeful 2nd and 3rd cup of coffee that I was responsible for how I responded to motherhood and that these things weren’t going to give me life. It was a discipline of the heart that I desperately needed to embark upon.

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No one tells you what you sign up for when you romanticize about becoming a mother. Yea, people will talk about the diapers and sleepless nights, they’ll forever fight the fight of breast is best, whether or not to co sleep, and the logisitcs like prenatal vitamins, swaddlers, and nursery rooms. The funny thing is, these things do matter, but what we fail to help mothers prepare for is the absolute soul crushing heart work it takes to raise humans.

We want to bring these little people here for various reasons aside from the biological urge to procreate, I’ve heard it all. Asking women why they want to have children is always provides some interesting insight into the brevity, or lack there of, that we hold for the actual entrusting of another human soul. Given my line of work and even in some personal spaces, I’ve heard it all. “I want to give my husband a son.”, “I want to see what we look like put together.”, “I want to do things different than how my parents did.”, “I want to be pregnant.”, or “I want to see our families excited they want a baby in the family.” Do you notice a pattern? Who is centered in this conversation? Certainly not the future baby. Lots of I, I, I…me me me. Self-centered, ego driven motivations for wanting a child and this is heart posture many women are walking into motherhood with. I’m not being judgmental, I’m shedding light on how much we need to decentralize our selfish motivations for having children and bring the actual child, hypothetical or expectant child, to the forefront.

Before you stamp a red letter to my chest, I’ll confess, I was one of those women. I wanted a baby because I wanted to be pregnant and experience birth, I wanted to hold a sweet newborn and see what I looked like in another human. I went into motherhood selfishly motivated without recognizing the heart work that I would be called to do wildly unprepared for what was coming.

When I became pregnant with my first son who is going on 10 years old next week, I wondered what he would look like the entire pregnancy. I wondered if he would favor Josh or I, I couldn’t wait to hold his little body, and nurse him and watch him grow. To clarify none of the aforementioned reasons are inherently bad, but I was I desperately needed a reality check. I needed my grandmere, an auntie or my mom to be the wise woman casting light on what was to come. I needed to recognize the work that would need to be done daily to humble myself before the sacred work of motherhood that I later learned to surrender myself to and after many omens that’ve revealed themselves over time, God helped me recognize what that work was and I want to share them with you. I want to embody a rising wise woman, a perpetual student of life and motherhood so that I can glean the gems and share with you. I also shared a quickie thought on IG about ways I regulate my nervous system, but us long form girlies like depth

Humility is not a first nature posture and it took some tears and soul searching, recognizing that I am human and not a super woman or super mom of sorts. I needed to realize that I’m not a mother performing for an audience, I am a mother modeling for children. Having to acknowledge that we will never be the perfect mother, that we will make mistakes that are hurtful, but there is redemption in this acknowledgement because if pride comes before a fall, then I have to conclude that humility always precedes growth. Rinse and repeat in humility.

Committing to stay on a quest for curiosity is one of the most beautiful experiences I’ve had on this journey. When we think we know everything, we stop asking questions and when we stop asking questions, we stop learning and life ceases to be the exciting thing it has the potential to be. Motherhood means staying on a quest for curiosity when we centralize our babies. Every cry, outburst, outward behavior should beg a question about the root of why sending us into a response instead of a reaction. I’ll give you the example of my every changing almost 10 year old son. I see the beginning of what I would consider an internal struggle for independence and still needing so much help and guidance. The fight for independence might present with stubbornness or frustration aka grumpy and lots of attitude. This could easily set me off if I’m in a reactive state, BUT if i’m committed to curiosity and asking questions first, then I will by proxy prioritize being a safe space for him.

We are the designated safe space for out littles to regulate when they feel dysregulated and if this is true, then we would need to be regulated. I’ll be the first to admit that it’s a challenge for me to self regulate. I live with 2 little boys and 1 adult man who happens to be an amazing support system and a soft space to land for me. Albeit, I’m still finding new tools for me to create a soft space for myself. To name a few, I wake up before them. Now I’m not talking 5am because in this era in my life, it’s just not going to happen. Upon waking, I pray. I even pray when I feel like I want to complain, be negative, aka before I feel like I’m about to full on spiral because my brain loves a good spiral. I talk about this in depth through the 2 part women and overthinking series below.

Food is fuel and so I am working on eating gall my macros. I carefully and strategically use my words to communicate how and when I’m feeling overwhelmed. Both my boys are at an age where they can understand this in their own capacity however, my 4 year old is still, well, 4. One thing I thing that might get some push back is that I allow them to speak freely when they’re feeling big feelings without my big reactions. This does two things: preserves my energy because not everything deserves a big reaction and they can decompress without fear of punishment. There’s of course a time and place and I think so many times we muffle their voices because we, again as humans, are very self centered by nature so it takes massive effort to take nothing personally and redirect if needed. Big feelings look different for every kid, but we are heavy on the you’re allowed to be angry, but you’re not allowed to hit (for the 4 year old) or you’re allowed to be angry, but you’re not allowed to *insert behavior*. Helping them redirect is the hardest part, but waiting for them to calm by my staying calm, is key.

If you’re thinking, yea ok “stay calm easier said that done.”. You’re right, but it doesn’t mean it’s impossible. The only way we can work on staying calm in chaos is addressing our own personal triggers. I recognize how discomforting this can be and how much we have to reach back deep into our own childhood, coming face to face with how our own needs were met, or weren’t, but when I tell you that this has been the most surprising of all the heart work strategies I’ve encountered coming into motherhood, I really mean it. I’m hypervegelant with cleaning and visual clutter can send me into a spiral of untrue thoughts. Piles of clean laundry suddenly develop the capability to judge me as a whole person. I start reiterating beliefs that I’m a lazy person, I lack discipline, I’m a procrastinator, etc. None of these are true, I was just not given the environment to be a human in my teen years. Doing the heart work has allowed me to see this for what it is. I suggest starting with this podcast episode that was sent to me by friend and LMFT Krystle George.

Let’s face it, I’ve got 2 boys and everything is loud, big, wild, messy in all the ways. These can leave me feeling moody as hell and honestly, this might sound strange, but it’ll often lead to lack of motivation and defeat circling back to those intrusive untrue thoughts. It’s hard to crawl out of this, then I become dysregulated and because they feed off of my like little mirrors, so do they. It’s like a feedback loop that nobody warned me about. Identifying our personal triggers daily isn’t a recommendation of the soul, it’s necessary.

One trigger I notice to be the most pronounced is the lack of alone time and overstimulation. I crave alone time to recalibrate throughout the day and ironically it’s the hardest to come by. I had to do some serious searching to find my hobbies again that were for pure joy rather than an activity that highlighted productivity. Revisiting hobbies that didn’t involve my kids was a big revelation for me. Although it’s a simple concept, it’s not as easy to acquire the time to become immersed into hobbies like we used to because our time is spread thing. This is also why we need to be fiercely protective of how we spend our time. We have the time. First, we need to observe how we are using it and then ask whether or Less scrolling. Less dawdling. More intentional resting. Every minute counts.

Wisdom in motherhood isn’t a destination of arrival, it’s not some desert oasis we finally reach after traveling in the heat with no water. I like to see it as a pathway, lit up like a clear, starry night, only our own night skies are lit by the grace of God.

I mean honestly, us mamas live in the hardest hood of them all, but none of that matters when we are partaking in the adventure.

Let’s normalize sharing the gems of wisdom that we’ve all picked up along the way and drop them In the chat because Lord knows we could use all we can get.

That’s all today. I like to get these out on Tuesdays but with my nephew in town and staring at the horizon of my big boy’s 10th birthday, I’m using my creative capacity as best as I can so this week it was Wednesday. I hope hump day treats you well and if this was helpful for you

Xx,

Gi